


In Your Mind's Eye

by UrbanCentauress



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Bathtub epiphany, Black Betty, Competition, Diary/Journal, First Kiss, Hardships to fluff, Hypnosis, M/M, Movie Night, Partners to Lovers, Strawberries!, Yuzu’s a bit of a flirt, Yuzu’s staying over for... breakfast, analysis of feelings, slow realization of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2020-10-28 08:34:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20775632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UrbanCentauress/pseuds/UrbanCentauress
Summary: Javi has all the answers, but he needs help to see what his mind is hiding from him. The most obvious truth can be the hardest to admit...





	1. Off-Axis

**Author's Note:**

> As a work of fiction, this one should be read knowing it does not religiously follow the timeline and accuracy of the events it is inspired by. Well-informed Yuzu's fans will notice that this is a blend of two seasons, and that some major episodes concerning his health are excluded.
> 
> Dedicated to all those who are having a rough time... It will get better.

Tracy skated closer to Brian with a look of concern on her face. “What’s up with Javi these days? Did you see that kid?”

  
“Your guess is as good as mine, Tracy,” said Brian raising his eyebrows. “Something is clearly off, he wears his emotions on his sleeve… I’ll talk to him and let you know if I need help… okay?”

  
“Sure, Brian, whatever you need.”

  
“Thanks, dear, I feel like we’re in for something big this time. I’ve never seen him like that, you know.”

  
“What do you mean?”

  
“I don’t know, Tracy, I really don’t know. He does have a bad day every now and then, which is normal, but this has been going on for about a week now.”  
They both looked at the center of the rink, just to see Javi sitting in the middle of it, head in his hands, not even trying to stand up.

“What’s the matter, Javi?” asked Brian, putting his hand on Javi’s shoulder. “You look totally swamped, young man. I say we call it a day and we’ll pick it up where we left it tomorrow, m?”

  
“Sorry, Brian, I don’t know what to say.”

  
“You know you can tell me anything, Javi. I’m always here if you need to talk. Is something bothering you?” Without waiting for a response, Brian added: “Why don’t you go change and meet me in my office for a sec?”

  
Javi let out a sigh as he stood up grabbing Brian’s extended hand, and skated away, gazing down at his boots, shoulders slumped, his characteristic speed and energy nowhere present.

A couple of minutes later, Brian looked up at a shy knock on his door. “Hey Javi, come in, sit down, kid.”

  
“Thanks…” Javi sank down into one of the chairs, sitting on his hands, eyes wandering around the little office, stopping at his coach’s scribbles on the white board. “Brian, I’m… I’m sorry… I would have asked for help, except that I don’t know what I need help with… I haven’t been sleeping well…” He finally looked up at Brian and the dark circles under his eyes confirmed what he had just said.

  
“Is everything okay with your family?” asked Brian.

  
“Oh, yeah, my family is fine, my mom’s finally working less, my sister is very excited about becoming a judge, she has found a way to follow her passion, I’m so happy for her. And my dad, you know my dad,” Javi smiled for the first time, “he’s always positive, he’s doing great.”

  
“Well I’m glad to hear that… Any… conflicts here at the club? You’re not butting heads with Yuzu, are you?

“Oh, no no, Brian, Yuzu… Well, he can be intense, but he’s a great guy, really, he’s aaamm… he’s great, no, he’s… he’s tremendous… He’s… you know Yuzu, none of that "I’m an Olympic champion" kind of thing… he’s really nice. He’s great. If anything, he’s been trying to help…” Javi felt one of those recurring palpitations he’d been having all week speed up his heartrate, the air in the office started feeling a little too dense and he unzipped his jacket.

  
Both him and Brian smiled a half smile as Yuzu walked right past the glass door of the office, munching on his usual midday fruit snack.

Brian leaned back into his chair. “Javi, your medical tests are impeccable, but you’re clearly struggling with some mental block and it’s affecting your skating.”

  
“Remember how I had some problems last year, well at least I knew what was happening and it was much easier to work on it. Now… I swear I have no idea what’s wrong with me. I know something is, but I have no clue what. I cannot sleep, I don’t feel like eating anything, I feel a constant clench in my stomach, and my skating… well, you’ve seen it yourself… I feel heavy, Brian, like my body is heavy, my skates are heavy, my hands are heavy… It’s never happened before… I can’t compete like that…”

Brian sat at his desk listening to Javi, just letting him speak and get it off his chest. It was clear that leaving this up to their psychologist would take time… and time was what they did not have. The start of a new season was looming and Javi was nowhere near ready.

“Javi, if you weren’t an elite athlete, I’d say see a doctor and get a prescription for whatever that is. But the new season is about to start, and the last thing you want is to start taking stuff that can throw you off completely. If you’re up for it, we could try something… something less traditional.”

“Brian, you know I trust you and at this point I’m ready to try whatever you suggest. I really feel like it can hardly get worse. What do you have in mind?”

  
“Well, I’ve been working on a project lately…” Brian stopped mid-sentence interrupted by a phone call and picked it up signaling to Javi that it would only take a minute. “Yes, hi, Asad, actually… not right now… do you mind if I call you later? I may actually need your help. Can I call you back in 5 minutes? Yeah… yeah, that’s fine, thanks, buddy. I’ll talk to you later. Thanks.”

Javi was sitting in front of him with a confused but somewhat hopeful look on his face. Brian leaned forward on his elbows and took a deep breath…  
“Right, where was I…”


	2. Seeing

“Right, where was I…”

“Your new project…”

“Right. So this guy, who just called, he lives in my building. His name is Asad Mecci, he’s a... he's a hypnotist.”

Javi’s eyes got wide with surprise but seeing that his coach was serious about this made him realize that he should at least listen. He didn’t have anything to lose now, did he...

“I know what you’re thinking, Javi, but let me tell you more about him and I’ll totally understand if you think this is not something you want to try.”

Javi just nodded, trying to convince himself this was something worth exploring. In the end, when did Brian ever fail him? And, against all odds, as he listened to his coach, the idea of getting help from a qualified hypnotist made more and more sense.

“Asad has helped me personally, Javi, he’s not a charlatan and he’s not a trickster. He’s a talented and honest professional, that’s why I started collaborating with him. We’re actually developing an app for skaters that will help to release unnecessary tension and to maximize every athlete’s potential, so I thought he might be able to help you with your struggles too. Would you like to give this a try?”

“You know what, as weird as this sounds… yes. I mean… I have never had any experience of being hypnotized, but if I want to be ready for Skate Canada, I might as well…”

“Javi, it’s still September. We have time. Not a whole lot, but we still have time,” said Brian trying to convince himself it was true. “I’ll give him a call and let you know, okay?”

“Thanks, Brian, really. Thank you.” Javi stood up from the chair with a little bit of a head-rush and walked to the door. Everything seemed surreal. The way he felt, the conversation he’d just had, the way he was unable to make sense of it all. But seeing Brian’s worried face affirmed that he was not alone in this. That whatever demons he was fighting, he was not alone in this, and that was the only solace, which Javi seemed to be clinging to with all that was left in him.

“Take the afternoon off and go rest. No _Playstation,_ though, do you hear me? Go get some fresh air, Javi, it will do you good. In the meantime, I’ll talk to Asad and let you know what he suggests.”

Javi couldn’t tell if he was relieved or depressed to get a free afternoon just like that. He knew he couldn’t skate, but he didn’t feel like going home just yet either. He sat on one of the green benches close to the rink, watching Yuzu polish his program. It was the same as last year, but Yuzu didn’t want to let go of it until it was perfect. “Softly, deftly mmm caress you… Mm fear it… secretly possess you…” Javi never bothered to look up the lyrics, but he partially knew them from hearing the piece over and over again. That was their life, they would listen to each other’s music ad nauseam and know it through and through, so that every time it came up unexpectedly, even years later, their thoughts would go back to their rival. It didn’t matter that the theme had been used countless times by other skaters, to Javi, this would always be inextricably linked to Yuzu, just like Javi’s programs and choreographies would be etched in Yuzu’s memory, effortlessly, like words of his mother tongue.

One would think it was hard to bear, hearing the same tune almost every day… for two seasons in a row… It wasn’t. Not with Yuzu. He was able to make the music tell a different story, to add layers upon layers of new meaning. It wasn’t often, however, that Javi got a chance to observe him with such closeness and in such tranquility. Normally, he would come to the rink prepared for his own practice, have a talk with Brian, see what’s in store for him on that day and get to work, watching Yuzu over his shoulder. Whereas in competitions his stress levels would allow for little distraction and all other performances including, eventually, his own, would form a giant blur of costumes, announcements, scores and journalists. It did not mean he never analyzed Yuzu’s jumps and his technique, they even shared tips, but this one today was a rare occasion of being able to witness his run-throughs solely as a spectator, with the entire program laid out in front of him and repeated once, twice, section by section, move by move.

Javi realized one thing: they were fighting an essentially different battle. His was _against_ the ice. Yuzu had made ice his ally. Looking at how his blades caressed the white surface made Javi think that maybe those antics of greeting the ice and thanking it were not just quirks that Yuzu had developed even before coming to Canada. There was a philosophy behind them, a different approach to skating, a different perspective. Is that what helped him power through his Free last year in China? Javi’s mind uncontrollably wandered to those ghastly images of Yuzu being helped up after the collision, to the unsettling chromatic unity of the black, the red and the white both on his costume and on the ice, as heavy drops of crimson kept splashing under Yuzu’s shaky feet. He seemed, at that moment, like he was _one_ with the ice, like they were _both_ hurt, like the fight was _theirs_ to continue.

Javi kept looking, mesmerized by Yuzu’s lean figure, completely oblivious to the unexpected audience. For a moment he forgot he was looking at his rival and gave into the magnetizing beauty, feeling like he had never seen him that way before. It was odd, utterly inexplicable that it took him three years of training together to see what he was seeing. He wasn’t even sure what it was, magic of some sorts, an incantation that sucked him in, a vortex that swallowed him, making everything else around him fade away.

“You keep looking at him like that and we won’t need the hypnotist!” Javi jumped startled by Brian, who was standing right next to him. He felt like he needed some time to recover his ability to speak, not unlike when one wakes up and needs a moment for the body to catch up with the waking mind.

“So here’s the plan,” started Brian. “He’ll meet with you tomorrow. Come ready for a high intensity workout at the gym, he said it would help you relax. We agreed you’d be here at 3:00.” Javi always admired how efficiently Brian solved all sorts of problems. He didn’t waste any time. You had a problem - he had a solution.

“It better work,” Javi kept repeating on his way home. “It has to work, it has to work,” he talked himself to sleep that night, “please let it work,” he thought, pushing the door open into the Cricket club the following day.


	3. The First Encounter

Javi felt sweat rolling down his temples, down his chest and abs, as he was completing the last repetition of kettlebell squats. His red T-shirt stuck to his skin and was soaking wet by the time he was done with his workout.

It was a good idea, to knock himself out like that. His anxiety caused by the unknown, by the uneasiness of the thought that he was going to bare his soul in front of somebody he had never met, was more manageable now that he was completely wiped. Add to that a warm shower and by the time he met with Asad, he could barely stand.

Javi was surprised by how _normal_ Asad looked: no black top hat, no tuxedo, no white gloves, no vanishing chambers. Oddly enough, no shaman-appropriate nest of dreadlocks on his head, no tattoos showing from under his sleeve, no whiffs of incense, no cobra in a basket. Just a regular, slightly stocky guy with a kind smile, deep-set dark eyes and an air of familiarity. His presence was somehow reassuring, relaxing, he was _your-favorite-uncle_ kind of guy, not the _mess-with-your-mind_ kind of guy.

“I’ll let you get to work,” said Brian after making the introduction and chit-chatting with the two of them. ”If you need me, you know where to find me.”

“I can imagine you’re a little anxious,” started Asad when they were left alone. “Let me tell you something about how hypnosis works. As a hypnotist, I can make you do things that you wouldn’t normally do, but I _cannot_ make you do anything that you, Javi, do not _want_ to do. I always respect my patients’ dignity and privacy and will not do anything that would embarrass you, you can take my word for it.”

This was exactly what Javi needed to hear. Truth be told, all he knew about hypnosis was from those silly TV shows in which people were dragged onto the stage and then made to act ridiculous against their own will for the spectators’ entertainment. Talking to Asad felt more like talking to a doctor, a psychologist of some sorts.

“My job here is to help you recognize your emotions. Our bodies are marvelous creations in that they perceive and register everything that surrounds them. The problem is that our mind then converts what we see and feel into what we _think_ is appropriate and right, into what we _hope_ is expected from us. Very often, our mind conceals the truth, even though we are in possession of it. I will not play any tricks on you, Javi, I will try to help you see what you already know.” 

Had Javi heard that two days ago, he would have thought it was total baloney. “I see what I see, and I hear what I hear,” he would have said. But yesterday’s experience of watching Yuzu skate and realizing _looking_ didn’t always mean _seeing_ gave him new ideas. It didn’t take much to convince him that there may be more things he was unaware of.

“We will have to meet more than once, Javi. We’ll take one core emotion at a time and try to see what role it is playing in your life. And based on what we find out, we will proceed with the others.”

Hearing how methodical Asad was, gave Javi a sense of structure to his chaos, even before they began. Just as though somebody had entered a hopelessly disorganized room and shared a vision of how to tidy it up, how to get rid of the clutter, how to make it livable again.

“Take a seat, Javi. I want you to put your feet flat on the floor, rest your palms on your lap and lean back comfortably.” Javi was so tired he felt as if the armchair had hugged him. Asad’s voice was soothing, the lighting in the room was soft, soon enough he started having a sense of warmth and peacefulness, his breathing evened out, his heartrate slowed down comfortably, for the first time in a long time, Javi felt his anxiety subdue -- a relief one gets after a long-lasting pain finally subsides, making everything better by simply not being there anymore. 

“Good, you’re feeling good, you’re totally relaxed, right from the top of your head to the very tips of your toes…” Fifteen minutes into the session, Javi’s body was totally limp, yet his mind was clear as day. He could hear Asad’s voice talking to him, asking him simple questions, to which he responded in a slurred way, his lips and tongue refusing to tense up into sounds.

“Javi, tell me where you were born.”

“Madrid…”

“Do you miss your home in Madrid?

“A little, yes.”

“Are you glad you came to Toronto, then?”

“Yeah… very…”

Asad asked about seemingly uncomplicated things, basic even, but as he did so, he was paying scrupulous attention to the way Javi reacted. Then suddenly, he dropped a big one:

“Javi, tell me what you are afraid of.”

Instead of responding immediately, like he did to the questions before, Javi sighed.

“I am here with you, Javi. I need you to think about what makes you panic. What is your biggest fear?”

Asad had heard people confess of their fear of death, of their fear of being alone, of the most irrational misgivings, of the dread of being made fun of, of deeply rooted phobias of heights, of water, of reptiles, too many to count.

“Hurting people’s feelings…” Asad looked at Javi flabbergasted. Of all the things he was ready to hear, this wasn’t one.

“It’s OK, Javi, it’s all OK,” he said resting his hand on Javi’s forearm. “We are going to end this here today, when I snap my fingers, you will wake up from hypnosis and have a very clear recollection of what you have just said.”

Javi felt as if waking up from a vivid dream, one of those colored morning ones that feel more believable than the world we wake up into. One of those we cannot let go of, one of those we feel the need to share.

“How are you?”

“Good, good… I think. I feel tired, but in a good way…” answered Javi secretively wiping off tears with the cuff of his sleeve.

“Javi, you did great. Remember what I asked you at the end?”

“Yes, my fear… Come to think of it, I feel it present every day, you know. But if you had asked me in a simple conversation, I don’t think I would have been able to answer you. How weird…”

“It is not weird at all, Javi, I’ll tell you that. It is an unpleasant emotion that is hard to think about, yet it is one that drives our actions, it is a feeling that we all carry with ourselves. It speaks about who we are as people.”

Javi’s face looked innocently surprised, he felt bizarre to find out something about himself while at the same time being the source of that knowledge.

“Javi, I already told you, this is going to be a process, we’ll have to meet again. I would suggest keeping a diary and taking notes after each session. It will help you to reflect on your emotions and to see some connections that you would otherwise miss.”

If Javi ever needed to write something down, he would do so either on his phone or on some insignificant piece of paper like the backside of a receipt. He used to jot things down on junk mail envelopes and in the margins of magazines, never in a notebook. He didn’t _own_ a notebook. That evening on his way home, he spent a good 15 minutes in a stationery store and left holding a light blue Moleskine that would become the guardian of his innermost feelings. After dinner, he slid off the elastic band that held the pages together and opened the notebook.

In case of loss, please return to: 

______Javier Fernández_,_________  
  
_______________________________

he wrote on one of the thin lines on the flyleaf. Rather than a claim to the ownership of the book, it seemed more like its title. As if whatever was going to be written in it, would be the essence of what Javier Fernández was_._


	4. Per Aspera...

Three days without even putting his skates on started feeling like too many days. Javi still felt anxious and low-spirited, but at least one thing had changed for the better: he was sleeping like a log. A deep, sound, dreamless sleep, the debt he had to pay for the nights of insomnolence. That was already an improvement, so when Brian called to check on how he was doing, they both decided it was time to return to ice.

“Tomorrow, the usual time, OK?”

“Sounds good, Brian, I think I should…”

“One step at a time, Javi, one step at a time. We’ll start easy, but we must get you back into training. Yuzu has been asking me about you every day, by the way, so you better…”

“…”

Javi didn’t hear the rest of what Brian was saying, his heart started fluttering like a sparrow in his chest, it felt good to be missed… Yuzu’s bone-crushing hug confirmed it the moment he stepped on the ice… It felt good to be back… It felt good to be gripped by a warm, gloved hand and pulled, so he could gain momentum and lean into a deep edge as he followed Yuzu’s long strokes. Yuzu was the only person who didn’t ask him how he was, yet his presence, somehow, showed all the support that Javi needed. Without pitying him, without reminding him how lacking his skating had been lately, without asking a million questions that Javi couldn’t answer even if he’d wanted to.

Asad was already waiting when Javi came to see him after practice.

“Back to ice?”

“Yeah…”

“How did it go?”

“Been better, to be honest, but I’m trying to… you know…” Javi was not in the mood to talk much and Asad was perceptive enough to keep the conversation to a minimum.

“Brian told me you described your feeling as _heaviness_. Has that changed at all?

“No, not really…”

“OK then, we’ll follow with plan A.”

Javi was too tired to think how many plans there had been. He was glad there was _a_ plan, for he still couldn’t make heads or tails of what he was feeling.

“Sit down, Javi, and get comfortable. Relax every muscle in your face… Your eyelids feel heavy, there’s no tension in your jaw, your shoulders move away from your ears, your hands rest on your lap, palms down… Good…”

Javi felt like he was slowly sinking, every muscle in his body comfortably supported by the chair, a bottomless sea of clouds embracing him with a supple caress… until Asad’s voice remained the only evidence of the outer world.

“Javi, the metaphors we use have a lot of truth in them. There is a reason why we say that guilt is heavy or that we feel weighed down by it. Your body is especially trained to express emotion through movement, so you may have a heightened somatic reaction to what you’re feeling. I want you to go back in time and explore your life at different stages, while focusing on things you did or did not do that make you feel guilty. You’re in primary school, you’re 6, maybe 7 years old…”

_“Mamá, we were playing, I swear, we were playing, it was an accident…”_

_“Cállate la boca, Javi, y déjame ver…”_

Laura still has the scar, reminding them of the unfortunate episode on the steps in front of their house. He had said he was sorry hundreds of times, even now, when he kisses her goodbye, he plants a kiss on her right eyebrow. It’s a part of their history, a souvenir from the innocent past, nothing that haunts them with a dark shadow, but at that time it weighed on little Javi’s conscience like a rock.

“Good, Javi, you’re doing great. Now you’re in your late teens, you’ve left Spain…”

_“I’m OK, dad,”_ Javi hears himself say on the phone, _“But… my rent is going up next month… and the heating season is starting…”_

_“No te preocupes, hijo, que para eso trabajamos. Tranquilo, ¿eh?”_

It hurt every time he thought of his parents working extra hours just to pay his bills, just to let him live his dream… It hurt every time to know that Laura was waiting tables instead of focusing on her studies at full capacity. What a relief it was when just recently, the Spanish federation finally recognized him as worthy of their support. That, in addition to his trophies made him believe that one day… one day he will reach higher heights, one day, he will be able to pay back, one day, he’ll treat them to something nice and say _“No te preocupes, papá, que para eso trabajo.”_ Now that he did not depend on his parents as much as he used to, Javi felt like he was going the right direction.

Twenty minutes into the session, Asad made him return to where they had started:

“You’re 23, training for the new season…”

Suddenly, Javi buried his face in his hands. “What an idiot! I’m such an idiot!”

“You see things vividly, your memory is clear, you remember everything as if it just happened… When I snap my fingers, you will wake up and have a clear recollection of that image,” instructed Asad before bringing Javi back to his senses.

“I need to call Miki…” was the first thing he said.

“Javi, I cannot tell you what to do, but one thing I _will_ ask of you: first write. Write down everything you remembered, everything that memory makes you think of. Then call whoever you need to call. And remember, _feeling_ guilty is not the same thing as _being_ guilty.”

“Thank you, Asad, oh my god, thank you… Write first… OK, I’ll do that… Thank you…”

How could he possibly misread that? When Miki said: _“It’s not working, Javi, I don’t think it’s working,”_ it was _not_ a call to try harder, which he did try, the way he knew best. It was a way of telling him that she would like to start dating again. That she needed a partner who was there _with_ her, not miles and time zones away. Javi himself knew very well it was not working, but Miki was an important presence in his life. She belonged to the same tribe of elite skaters and knew better than anyone else the hardships that kind of life implied. She was wise, she was mature, she was talented, she was sweet. Javi couldn’t bear the thought of making her feel miserable and giving up on their relationship. What he started realizing was that it had long ceased to be a _romantic_ relationship.

He skimmed through the first pages of his notebook, the lines he had so densely filled with black ink just a couple of days ago, and the question simply popped into his head: “Am I hurting her by trying _not_ to hurt her? Am I keeping her tied to me by calling her my girlfriend when she’s actually… my _friend_?” a couple of hours and seven pages later, the time in Japan was finally decent enough to make the call.

It did not feel like a breakup. It felt like an update. A new version of them, with all bugs fixed.

“I love you, Javi, you will never _not_ be important to me, you know that, right?

“I do,” Javi smiled, “and I love you too, Miki, I will always care about you.”

They both knew what the other meant, this time, better than any time before.

“Miki, I know this will sound weird… But do you mind if I keep wearing the ring? It’s become my talisman and I will need that luck… my first competition is in four weeks…”

“Of course, silly. Don’t forget to train, though, that helps too, you know.”

Being teased by Miki reminded him of being teased by his older sister: it was the same kind of love…


	5. Soaking in Desire

How it always happened, Javi had no idea. No matter how early he would start getting ready, the moment he had to get through the door was always rushed and stressful. ID? Check. Phone? Check. Skates? Check. Costumes? Check. An extra pair of trainers? Check, and he’s out the door. The blue notebook? Left on the kitchen counter. Headphones? In the pocket of another coat. Miki’s ring? In the bathroom, next to the sink. Oh well… _Vamos, Javi, you can do it,_ he told himself as they were approaching the airport.

Asad took a couple of days off and decided to accompany the team. Javi felt relieved. They had only met twice, but he had earned Javi’s trust, gratitude and friendship, both because of their personalities that just clicked and because of the adversity of circumstances under which they had met. Brian was also grateful to have company at the boards; he was jittery and had no way of knowing what to expect from Javi’s performance. His jumps were somewhat back, his spins were all over the place, his energy was chaotic, his confidence – seesawing every five minutes. It was a miracle he was competing at all, given all the uncertainty just weeks before.

A pat on the back from Asad, a sip of lemon juice, and the ice was his. He could feel the audience pulsating with anticipation, hungry for entertainment, exactly what _Black Betty_ was made for. Javi took the pose, exhaled and dove into it. It was a crowd pleaser, no doubt about that, too bad his hip action could not convince the judges the same way it did the wilding fans. The doubled axel stood out like a sore thumb and Javi’s cheeky expression turned into mild disappointment the moment the music stopped. Brian saw it as a clear reflection of Javi’s state of mind: energetic, inconsistent and therefore uncertain. In his head, he was already going over the things he was going to say and the rough edges they needed to polish before the free skate.

In the meantime, Asad, who had never attended a competition or seen Javi’s programs, focused on a completely different set of aspects. He could not tell a salchow from a lutz, his eye was not trained to count the number of rotations, and it was probably that technical ignorance that allowed him to see what else was lacking in Javi’s performance: desire. A raw, authentic, embodied passion, explosive, unfabricated and real, teetering on the edge of improper. One that justified the bad boy image, one that made you think he wanted _you_ and nobody else in the audience, one that smelled like leather and gasoline, cigarette smoke and fresh guitar strings. One that Javi was capable of expressing, but, for some reason, kept guarded and well hidden, replacing it with a plastic façade. Mind you, it still worked, it still fed the fire, and yet it had the potential of turning into a sea of flames.

The following day was another battle of survival. The silver medal that eventually hung down Javi’s chest felt both like a loss and like the biggest victory there could ever be. For the loss he had himself to blame, for the victory he had Asad to thank, so when his obligations with the press were over, he found Asad backstage and placed the medal around his neck, giving him a heartfelt hug.

Later over dinner that night, all three of them were still discussing the competition.

“That short program of yours, it’s quite ummm…”

“Spicy?” Brian finished Asad’s sentence as he was looking for the right word.

“Well, the choreography is supposed to be,” shrugged Javi, “but I don’t think I can pull it off, to be honest. I know there’s no secret button, but I was going to ask you for advice, if you don’t mind…” Brian was nodding his head in agreement, and Asad did not hesitate to respond:

“Of course, Javi. I need some time to think how to handle it, but let’s meet on Tuesday, when you’re back to training, hm?

***

Tuesday came soon and it came as dreary as could be, announcing that November was taking over the golden days of fall. The wind was so strong that it seemed it was raining sideways, the entire city of Toronto had turned into a cold and murky cloud, a city of gray and gloom, its only colors coming from the traffic lights and umbrellas, rushing down the streets.

Javi was still feeling chilly as he was changing before practice, but as soon as he pulled his head out of the entrapment of his sweater and T-shirt, which came off all in one lump, he found himself in another trap: this time it was Yuzu’s arms, wrapping tightly around his neck. Giggling, the way only he giggles, coming straight out of practice, not missing a chance to say _congratulations _on his way to the showers. It was odd. Not the fact that Yuzu was dripping with sweat, not the fact that Javi was half naked. Not the fact that they were still hugging, when 3 seconds would have been more than enough. It was odd because Yuzu never congratulated him on getting silver, unless Javi came in second after Yuzu himself.

“Good fight, Javi, I watched.”

“Thanks,” Javi whispered into his wet hair, suddenly unable to come up with anything else to say, feeling that if Yuzu said it was a good fight, it was a good fight indeed.

Javi’s practice went better than he could have ever expected. His body felt light, he hit the nail on the head every time Brian gave him a suggestion, he moved with grace, surprising Brian and even himself with how different his skating was compared to the week before. The practice was over, and he felt like he still had energy to spare, so he headed right to the gym before meeting with Asad like they had agreed.

“You look like a different man, Javi!”

“I had a good day, I guess,” Javi couldn’t help smiling.

“A good day?” Asad pointed to the window that was being battered by sheets of pouring rain.

“Well, not in _that_ sense, that’s for sure!”

This time their session was shorter than the ones before. Javi felt he was brought back to consciousness, tried to recall what he had experienced, what he had remembered or envisioned and… nothing. Not even a clue. He looked at Asad for an explanation, half disappointed that the magic didn’t work, half hopeful it did, but without him knowing. 

“It’s OK, Javi, we’re done for today. Go home, relax, and in your mind’s eye you’ll see what you probably already know.”

That was awkward and unnecessarily secretive, but in the end, this wasn’t a commonplace solution to problems, so Javi just accepted it as part of the deal. He picked up some groceries on the way home and sprinted back as fast as he could. The rain had turned into sleet, the temperature had dropped even more, and the wind was cutting through his coat without remorse, cold seeping in through all the layers of clothing and right into his bones.

A warm Epsom salt bath was just what Javi needed. He turned on the water, quickly put away the food he had bought and immersed himself in the fragrant and steaming tub. It felt good, his tense muscles gradually loosened up, and he let out a deep sigh of satisfaction. _“I should do this more often,”_ he thought, and as his body relaxed, so did his mind. With his eyes closed, he went over his day. What a morning, all that cold all of a sudden… It was nice when Yuzu hugged him in the locker room, his warm body separated from Javi’s chest only by the thin layer of his black short-sleeved UnderArmour, his forearms lingering on Javi’s naked shoulders, the side of his neck so fragrant, his lips so close that they grazed Javi’s ear when he said “congratulations…” How can those lips be so perfect, so perfectly pink, so perfectly full, so perfectly beautiful when they bloomed into a smile, so perfectly soft, when he pursed them, so irresistibly tempting, when he wrapped them around his daily fruit bites… That one time in the summer, when he brought a box full of succulent cherries and ate them one by one, slowly, pulling on the stem until there was a silent pop, looking Javi straight in the eye as he did so again, again, and again… teasing him… Javi wanted to put one of those cherries between his teeth and let Yuzu steal it… making him laugh… and then kiss him, kiss him breathless, kiss every inch of his body… see the arch in Yuzu’s back, see him overwhelmed with pleasure, feel Yuzu’s legs around his waist… burn with desire, just like he was now, remembering all those unambiguous looks Yuzu had been giving him…

_“Good fight, Javi, I watched,”_ he said… He _watched…_ Next time he skates to _Black Betty,_ he’ll think of Yuzu… of turning him on, of making him bite his bottom lip, of teasing him… That’s the rock ‘n’ roll spirit he needs, that’s the dirty dancing he’s gonna give Yuzu. Too bad he cannot skate in ripped Levi's and riding a motorbike. _“Pfff, no te pases, Javi,”_ he thought to himself. No, seriously, he’ll keep in mind what Brian said in practice today, he still has about two weeks until Rostelecom. And then he’ll talk to Asad again and ask him… _Wait… What?!_

“Son of a…”

Javi jumped out of the bathtub, splashing water on the floor, hastily wrapping a towel around his hips and leaving a trace of wet footprints up to the kitchen counter, where he had left his blue notebook.

_El Miedo,_ read the first page… _La Culpa…_ pages and pages of black ink later…

_El Deseo…_ scribbled Javi and wrote a single word under the title: _YUZU…_


	6. As I Wait

_YUZU, _

_i__t has always been you. I didn’t know it and yet I did…_ that’s why I am not surprised at all, but how do I explain it? How do I tell _you_? How do I approach you without telling you I want you? How do I approach you without looking into your eyes for way too long, without touching your waist and feeling I am out of breath, without holding your hands and not wanting to let go, without kissing you, without caressing you, without undressing and adoring you? I know you have feelings for me, Yuzu, I’ve seen it in your eyes, and I’ve felt it deep down in my heart, but maybe that is all you need from me? To flirt with me, to drive me crazy, to tempt me, to seduce me, but not much else? If I tell you the truth, will you walk away, pretending you did not understand? Will you be hurt and feel scared of me? Will you tell me you are not ready? Will you say you’re my friend and that’s not what friends do? Will you laugh it off? Will you not want to be distracted? In the end, you came to Canada for skating, didn’t you…

Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it… Tell me to wait and I’ll wait, tell me to never let you go and I’ll never let you go, tell me to hold you, to taste you, to drive you insane, and I’ll do it. I’ll kiss your shoulders, I’ll leave marks on your neck and run my fingers through your hair, I’ll press you against a wall and let you feel me, hard and ready, I’ll follow you to the showers and kneel before you, I’ll say _yes_ to all your fantasies, if you let me… if you want me…

I didn’t realize you were flying to China tonight… I guess I will not see you until I’m back from Moscow… Which is good, it will give me time… I need time… to understand all this madness… It will also be unbearable. My body needs you… Yuzu, if only I could tell you… in that “good luck” text that I’m about to send you, I wish I could say _“Bring back gold and I’ll reward you,”_ and I would, I swear that I would… 

Javi put down his notebook and reached for his phone. _“Bring back gold…”_ he typed _“…and I’ll reward you…" _he said closing his eyes, as he hit “send.”


	7. The Two of Us

Yuzu got back on the horse that had thrown him. Fierce, triumphant, unbeatable, a fading red line under his chin the only visible memento of last year’s setback. Any other program skated that well would have been considered a masterpiece, but skating flawlessly to the theme that was marked with debacle, and on the very ice that still carried the memory of his blood spoke volumes not just of the incredible skill but of the determination and resilience within him. The Cricket family watched the performance together and Javi was the first one to spring to his feet and applaud when Yuzu took the final bow after his free skate.

Inspired by Yuzu’s success, Javi knew he mustn’t lag behind. His schedule, carefully planned out with Brian and Tracy, was bursting at the seams and his days were packed with rigorous practice sessions, yet the nights were haunted by unfulfilled passion, unplanned and unforeseen. It was somewhere between those two, in the evenings and early mornings, when he felt a sense of longing, a space that was asking to be filled, a feeling that was begging to be shared.

“Asad, tell me one thing,” Javi brought up the question as he was catching up with his confidant, “do you think desire and love are the same thing?”

“Uncharted territory, Javi, waaay beyond my expertise,” sang Asad. “Let me tell you this: I believe it _can_ be the same, but… only if you’re extremely lucky.”

His response kept Javi thinking and those thoughts went down in the blue notebook, whose silk bookmark traveled further and further towards the back cover, steadily inching its way every evening.

***

“Your turn, Javi” was the first message that popped up on the screen when Javi turned off the flight mode. Yuzu could have written most anything and it would have had the same effect. Javi felt like simply seeing a notification with Yuzu’s name in it changed the chemistry in his brain. It doubled his energy, it restored his confidence, it added a bounce to his walk. He kept the feeling alive until the moment he heard his country and name announced in the arena.

_Look at me… enjoy me… get a taste of what it would be like to escape with me… where nobody knows us… just you and I… without a warning, without packing our bags, without leaving a trace… a wild dream… a wild passion… unguarded and careless… where I can flirt with you in the open, where you can respond and drive me crazy… where we don’t police our gaze and let it linger, where we don’t police our hands and let them touch, where we don’t police our lips and let them explore, where we don’t police our voices and let them shout each other’s names in the street… Let me steal you away… come with me… without a care in the world…_

Javi couldn’t contain a smile. This Black Betty was what saved his act and pulled his Figaro up by the bootstraps. The commentators around the globe all agreed he didn’t seem to be competing, “he’s out there having fun,” “look at that energy!” “What a charming skater,” all trying to sound professional but actually just marveling at his sex appeal. Brian just shook his head in gracious disbelief when he opened his arms to hug Javi. The scores went through the roof, and even though the free program was less impressive, the top of the podium the following day was his.

Yuzu’s beaming face and his outstretched arms were the first thing that greeted him back at Cricket. And there they were, hugging temple to temple, chest to chest, hips to hips, the way nobody else dared, the way they always did, this time even closer than ever before, basking in one another’s victory, inhaling one another’s joy, charged with one another’s energy. 

“We should celebrate,” Javi whispered and immediately regretted his impulsive suggestion, but to his surprise, Yuzu nodded his head enthusiastically. “Nothing crazy, let’s just get a pizza and watch a movie maybe?”

“Sounds great, Javi…”

Javi panicked. “Am I being too direct? Am I making him uncomfortable? Do I _risk_ making him feel uncomfortable if it’s just the two of us?” Overthinking like a hormonal teenager, he blurted before he could stop himself: “I’ll invite Nam too, just a chill evening all three of us, what do you say?”

“Yeah,” Yuzu let out a quick high-pitched approval that somehow sounded a little forced.

“We deserve it, Yuzu. You guys pick the movie, I’ll take care of the food. Tomorrow sound good?”

“Sounds good to me!”

His apartment was neat, his favorite Italian pizzeria was only a couple of blocks away, shoving the thinnest crust in Toronto into their wood oven, his fridge was well-stocked with refreshments, three empty glasses were waiting on the kitchen table next to a couple of snack-filled bowls to keep them busy as they wait for the warm food to be delivered. Everything seemed ready, when Javi got the message:

“Hey Javi, sorry about the late notice but I’m gonna have to take a rain check this time. Feeling sick, wish I could make it. Sorry again dude, you guys have fun without me”

Phone still in hand, he went to answer the door and as he helped Yuzu disentangle from his long scarf, he shared the news about the recent change of plans.

“Just the two of us, then.”

“Just the two of us, is that okay?”

Yuzu just smiled a smile that could not be misinterpreted. “Here, put this in the fridge. Dessert for three for two.”


	8. Memories Undone

Javi had realized that watching Yuzu do most anything gave him delight. The way he adjusted his glasses when he wore them, the way he held a pen, the way he opened a bottle of water, the way he ducked his head while taking off his crossbody bag, the way he was able to carry so many things all at once when they traveled and still look graceful, the way he would stride into a room and fill it up with his inexhaustible energy, be it early morning or late at night, the way he was sitting across the table from him now, with his loosely fitting navy knit, the boat neck-line giving a glimpse of his skin where the neck met the shoulder, sleeves pushed up so they didn’t get in the way, head tilted as he bit into a slice of pizza with hearty appetite. They joked that it was OK for them to eat as much as they wanted as long as they both ate the same amount because they were the main rivals, ahead of everybody else, as if nobody else mattered, which was not far from truth. It was easy to be in one another’s company, and somehow the conversation never ran dry. Competitions, computer games, sneakers, Brian’s posts on Instagram, childhood games and foods they hated as kids, one topic smoothly led to another.

“Movie?” asked Yuzu when they finished eating.

“Yes, what have you got?”

“Ummm, Spiderman…”

“I thought you’d seen it?”

“I did, but in Japanese. I want to practice English”

“Sure! Works for me!”

They moved to Javi’s couch and he couldn’t believe how blissful it was to simply see Yuzu there, in his apartment, lounging casually, petting his cat, sitting next to him and getting comfortable to watch the film.

“Are you cold?” asked Javi when he saw Yuzu pull one of his sleeves over his fingertips.

“No, only my hands…”

As he tugged at the sleeve, the neck of his sweater got stretched on one side, revealing his shoulder even more and Javi felt like a force stronger than him made him hold Yuzu’s hands. The last thing he saw in the glimmering light of the TV screen was Yuzu’s smile and then… Dark silence. The TV was off and so were the lights in the kitchen.

“What happened?”

“I think the power is out.” Javi felt a strong grip of Yuzu’s hand, a somewhat nervous clench as they sat there, trying to understand what could have gone wrong. It was a knock on the door that made them turn around and release the hold as Javi stood up.

“Stay here,” was all that he said as he carefully went to the door, holding both his arms extended in front of him.

“Javi, it’s the super, are you home?” they heard from the other side of the door.

“Coming, one moment!”

A narrow corridor of unsteady light drew out in the entrance once Javi opened the door. The superintendent was holding a flashlight and knocking on all doors to let the neighbors know it was a temporary electrical failure and that they were hoping to have it back and running within one hour.

“Hot water and gas are safe to use, and we’ll get the light back as soon as we can. Sorry for the inconvenience, folks, it’s an old building.”

“Javi? Is everything OK?”

“It is, they’re working on it. I’m sorry we can’t finish the movie…”

“You know… every time the light goes, I think shelter.”

Javi found Yuzu’s nape in the dark and cradled it, that most natural of motions in times when words could not console.

“Give me one second, Yuzu. Just one second.”

A few moments later Javi returned carrying a candle in one hand and a mug in the other.

“What is this?”

“ColaCao.”

“Cola what?”

“Cola_Cao_. My favorite childhood drink. It’s like Nesquik, but I grew up drinking this one. I brought some from Spain for when I feel bad. It reminds me of home. Careful, the mug is hot. Here, grab the handle.”

Javi went back to the kitchen a couple of times for more candles and finally returned with another mug full of chocolatey drink and sat down next to Yuzu.

Yuzu’s smile was back. “Javi, you gave me a new memory,” he said after a while. “Next time no light, I will thinking of this. I feel… real safe with you.”

Javi delicately rested his mug on the coffee table and took Yuzu’s hand again, this time not stopping there but bringing it to his lips. He had no idea why he did it. He had no idea what reaction it would provoke. He had no time to ponder about it, it just felt right. A second later, Yuzu’s mug was next to his and their lips were locked in a kiss. First, cautious and guarded, barely there, but the moment they both realized the other one wanted it too, deep and oblivious… It still tasted of chocolate… Javi felt like his heart was going to jump out of his chest. Everything he wanted, everything he dreamed of was in his arms, marking their lives with a staggering before and after. If being miserable for so long was what it took to get here, Javi would do it many times again, if only to feel Yuzu’s hands caressing him, if only to have him so close, to be desired by him, to be kissed by him, to be driven out of his mind, to be pressed against the backrest by his delicate yet strong frame, if only to experience that ecstasy for an instant. Yuzu slowly leaned back and Javi froze, fearing this could be it, this could be the moment he lost the treasure he’d just found, Yuzu realizing he gave into the momentary attraction and then backing off, desperately trying to return to where they had been before it all happened…

“I just want to look at you,” Yuzu whispered.

The flickering candle light cast beautiful shadows on Javi’s face, his eyelashes looked even longer, his features even more pronounced. If the light had been brighter, Yuzu may have noticed a little blush, a similar one that was extending over the apples of his own cheeks, but right now he was admiring the lips he had just tasted, fathoming the pleasure they had just given him and leaning in for more.

“Stay for the night…” Javi exhaled the words between the kisses.


	9. Body Electric

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To me, Walt Whitman's "I Sing the Body Electric" is one of the most stunning odes to the beauty of the body. It likens it to the soul and creates a unity between the two, it elevates the love of bodies and gives it sacredness. That line first reached me through the song lyrics from the finale of Fame many years ago and I immediately fell in love with it, only to later discover its powerful source of inspiration, that by Whitman and his bold words.

The fresh towel he was clutching smelled familiar, just like Javi’s T-shirts, reminding him what, or rather, _who_ was waiting behind the bathroom door in the bedroom. The man he looked up to, the man he wanted to learn from, the man he wanted to outdo, the man he ended up falling desperately in love with. Yuzu couldn’t believe that he could have that kiss again, as many times as he wished, all it took was opening the door and walking over to Javi. That kiss that made his body tingle, that kiss he had imagined so many times, yet never as powerful a force as it actually was. The lights had come back on, the clock on the microwave in the kitchen was blinking 00:00, as if marking a fresh start, a new beginning for both of them, and there they were, still on the couch, unable to let go of each other.

The very moment he felt Javi’s lips on his forehand was as exciting as seeing _number_ _one_ next to his own name in Sochi, but unlike the Olympic gold, this felt like a once in a lifetime affair. Winning gold twice in a row seemed more plausible than finding somebody who could make him feel the way Javi did. He was amazing and Yuzu knew he was learning from the best yet again. Javi’s touch felt right, he knew how to tease, how to bring the excitement to its climax and how to reward Yuzu for waiting, he gently bit and sucked Yuzu’s bottom lip, while holding him with one arm, fingers buried in Yuzu’s hair at the beginning and traveling down as he continued…

Yuzu looked at himself in the bathroom mirror, trying to capture and savor the moment of that incredulous happiness, telling himself to never forget it, come what may. Did he expect this to happen tonight? By no means. Was he _hoping_ it would when he received a message from Nam and immediately slipped a toothbrush in the bag he’d be taking over to Javi’s “just in case”? Absolutely…

Javi made it all easy.

“I have never…” Yuzu had searched for the best way to put it. “You are the first…” he had finally managed to say, somewhat fearful his inexperience would make him fail.

Javi shook his head, smiling: “It’s OK, there are no rules,” he said. “We don’t have to go all the way, just having you here next to me is already more than I could ever ask for.”

Yuzu loved this new feeling: a sense of belonging while being absolutely free, a sense of being ready to do anything Javi asked and yet knowing he was in control of how far he wanted to take this. Javi let him be himself and that mattered to Yuzu a great deal. He hung the towel on an empty hook next to Javi’s and opened the door.

Javi was looking Yuzu in the eye, biting his lip and shaking his head incredulously, as if saying “I cannot believe it’s happening.” He reached out with his hand and Yuzu grabbed it without hesitation, letting himself be pulled closer, intertwining their fingers.

“You go to the bathroom to hang a towel and I already miss you… What is this magic?”

“I don’t know, Javi, you tell me…” and the smile that he couldn’t contain said it all. His arms were around Javi’s neck again, their foreheads pressed together, lips hungry for another kiss, one of those that stopped the time and erased everything else that was not them.

“You’re gorgeous,” Javi’s whisper was more a feeling than a sound, his lips touched Yuzu’s ear, letting out a hitched breath that made Yuzu lose his senses for a moment. He crossed his arms and grabbed the bottom edge of his sweater, pulling it over his head hastily, afraid to waste a second of this beautiful insanity. Javi helped him finish the job draping the sweater over a nearby chair and slipped behind him, slowly kissing his neck, pulling Yuzu’s hips closer to himself.

“Can you feel what you’re doing to me? …”

Javi was rock-hard and Yuzu wasn’t content with _just_ feeling, he wanted to see and touch and taste and have it all. They helped each other get rid of the remaining layers, slowly, prolonging the gratification, and the night was theirs. A night neither of them would forget, it was a night to discover hidden freckles, to explore what felt good and what felt even better, a night of whispers and moans, a night of kisses and bites, tender caresses and tight grips, of praises and requests, of pleasure in a thousand remarkable ways, a night of celebrating the beauty of their bodies in their most beautiful form: aroused, flushed with heat, jeweled with beads of sweat, breathless, spent, euphoric.

“We still have that dessert that you brought,” purred Javi into Yuzu’s shoulder, when they were taking a breather and he started feeling hungry again.

“I’m starving, but I don’t think I can stand up, Javi, oh my god, I cannot feel my legs.”

“Only because you’re my guest, Yuzu,” said Javi rolling out of bed with mock disgruntlement.

“Strawberry shortcake with extra cream, sir.” Javi put the entire box on the bed next to Yuzu and stretched out on the other side of him.

“And two forks?”

“And two forks, but no dessert plates, because I don’t have them. But who needs a plate when you can actually…” - Javi reached over Yuzu’s torso to get a piece directly from the box and brought it to Yuzu’s mouth – “… eat it like that?” The second attempt was less successful, as half a strawberry and an extra dollop of cream landed right on Yuzu’s abs.

“Well, I guess that one’s for me,” said Javi with a cheeky smile. Things got heated again fast. _A second on your hips, forever on my lips,_ they called their sugary shenanigans and from there went straight to the much-needed shower.

Yuzu was generally a fussy sleeper. He had his bed-time rituals, he needed space, he needed the right temperature and the right light, or rather lack thereof. He just couldn’t believe how all of that didn’t matter now. The right amount of space was no space between him and Javi’s body, the right temperature was the heat that it radiated, the right light was enough light for him to see Javi’s silhouette. The best ritual was Javi’s kiss, the best sleep was in his arms. They fit like they had been made for this, like a pair of those tacky china cups that mold into one another and look awkwardly misshapen when apart. Javi was thinking of all the wonderful signs of Yuzu’s presence in his apartment: his bracelets on the bedstand, his toothbrush in the bathroom, the towel he gave him, now hanging on the hook that had always been empty, his coat in the hall, his navy sweater thrown over the backrest of the chair… and Yuzu himself, in his arms, breathing evenly, drifting into sleep…

“You don’t know what this means to me,” one of them said as they sank into the nebulous abyss and it could have been either one…

***

Javi’s hoodie was a little big on Yuzu, but it kept him warm and cozy while Javi was getting some coffee and toasts ready for breakfast. Yuzu kept himself busy in the meantime, exploring the knick-knacks in the kitchen, reading spice labels and snuggling Effie, when a blue notebook on the counter caught his eye. He opened it mindlessly, but as soon as he realized it was some sort of diary, he thought he probably shouldn’t have.

“Is this about skating?” he asked.

“This? No… This is about me...”

“In Spanish?”

“In Spanish, Yuzu, why would I write in English?” he giggled.

Yuzu opened it again, just to appreciate Javi’s handwriting. He loved it, it was neat, a little old-fashioned, elegant, with airy spaces between paragraphs, with indentations before every first line… He ran his delicate finger through a page that was rough and curled on the edge a little, looking like it had gotten some water splashed on it. He couldn’t understand anything it said… except for one word: his own name.

“Is it about me, too?”

Javi turned around and walked over to Yuzu, gently taking both his hands after placing the notebook back on the counter. He silently nodded his head and closed his eyes.

“There is no me without _you_, Yuzu. And there hasn’t been for quite a while…”


End file.
